Oh Blog It All

It’s not often that I don’t sleep. Sure, too much caffeine too late in the day might deprive me of a few hours sleep but it’s very seldom when I can’t sleep and I don’t have caffeine to blame.

But here I am on one of those rare occasions, tired, but unable to sleep. Still have so much to do for my move tomorrow, things to pack, arrangements to confirm. And now that I am so close to moving the odd little twinge of doubt creeps in. But then that is just how I am. I don’t deal well with uncertainty and moving creates, oh, just a little uncertainty in my life. Uncertainty creates doubt, doubt creates worry. But then I’ve been told that I worry too much. It’s possible that ‘worried’ is my permanent state of being and I just do whatever I have to, to maintain that.

I suppose I’ve just had these notions of what life on my own is going to be like and I’m starting to think my notions are all off track. I’ve never done this before so I don’t really know what to expect. And the few things I was absolutely certain of are looking very uncertain right now. Which is making me worry. Mind you worrying is what I seem to do best.

Look, it’s nearly four in the morning, I’ve had but a few hours of restless sleep, I probably should not be blogging because I’m not making much sense. But then do I ever make any sense?

Maybe I should go back to therapy huh?

edited to add: Well, so much for blogging at four in the morning, left out the important bit about why getting some sleep is so important.

See it doesn’t matter how bad things get, how complicated or unbearable, a good night’s sleep and I’d wake up in the morning thinking things aren’t as bad as they seemed the night before, that things can be worked out, that it’s going to be okay. No such luck this morning though.

And I can’t even go home and drown my sorrows in alcohol because all I’m going to get for my trouble is a nasty hangover. Also I still have packing to do, definitely want to do that sober.

Oh well, at least it’s Friday and it’s pay day, a very faint silver lining to a very dark cloud.

Supposedly yesterday I went to have a look at at R 3.2 million show house. In reality I went to visit some friends and that line got me though the gate - so much for controlled access.

And that has been about the nicest thing I’ve done in the last few months, going to visit with some newly made friends.

Everything else has been, well, not worth writing about. I mean who wants to read about how much I’ve managed to screw up my life? You in the corner, you’d like to know? Oh, you’re just wondering where the gents is, well it’s out back. So anyway nobody wants to know and even if they did I am not a good enough writer to even make the story vaguely amusing in a WTF kind of way.

What I can tell you is that on Saturday morning you will find me up at first light packing my last few things and moving house yet again. Only this time it’s on my own, to my own place with my newly purchased own things.

Thirty-three years old and for the first time in my life I will be living on my own.

And I am terrified.

Terrified that I ‘ve made a hash of planning my budget and that I won’t be able to support myself (a big concern for me). And I welcome the terror if only because it keeps me from dwelling on what it will be like to come home to an empty house every night. It keeps me from thinking about what it will be like every weekend waking up alone, doing my shopping alone and saving up all my snippets of useless conversation for no one because I will have no one to talk to.

Except the cat. She’ll be there to welcome me home and listen to my inane chatter in as much as she can bring herself to bother about my petty problems. She has bigger problems like is her food bowl filled to the brim and have I left a clean pile of laundry on the bed for for her to sleep on. She has huge concerns that one.

For the record all of this is my doing, my choice. It’s taken me a lot of soul searching, of changing my mind a million times to get to this point. It’s not the popular choice but it is my choice. I thought to stand still and not move at all but that is not a choice. The world keeps moving and you get moved along with it whether you like it or not. I’ve done enough of that, getting swept along by life, this time I am leading.

Wait, did I say that I had screwed up my life? You know what, that isn’t quite true. There were some things that happened that were beyond my control and others that weren’t. I’ve made some choices, taken some action and now I keep moving and I’ll see where I end up. And before I invest heavily in Kleenex I’ll remind myself that there will be other show houses, other sunshine afternoons filled with good wine, great company and laughter. There is always a house on show somewhere, I just have to choose to take a look.

So here I am, sometime after ten o’clock on a Friday night and I am home alone for the first time in years it seems. In fact I’m home alone for the whole weekend. And isn’t it just sad that the part I am most excited about is being able to eat any junk food I like. Yeah, a hold over from my fat days when my my nicest daydream was being able to eat all the ice cream, chocolate, cookies and chips I could afford.

But I’m thin now, you know, so I’ve added a new twist, drinking by myself. I’m drinking wine, if you care and if it makes it sound a little more acceptable. I’m no longer sober enough to drive, or blog for that matter. Yet I’m not drunk enough to get to the point where I can just let go of inhibitions and self restraints and just say whatever the hell I want. Actually I am managing to be remarkably controlled over here and my conversations (and by conversations I mean exchanging text messages) are quite sanitised. I’m not saying half of what I want to say. Instead I am doing what I normally do when I am sober, drop vague little hints about what I really want to say.

Wait, did I say vague hints? I meant totally inscrutable and unfathomable hints. My hints and I don’t even know if I should call them that, are so obscure, so obtuse that if I didn’t know what I was thinking then even I wouldn’t know what the hell I was saying.

And here I sit on a Friday night, not sober yet still unable to just let go and say it all. And to think I called this “Oh Blog It All” and thought I was being so clever when the truth is I can barely bring myself to blog it all to one of the multiple personalities in my head. Sure, I’m going to post this if only to serve as a reminder as to why I am going to have a nasty headache tomorrow because I’m sure I won’t remember what the hell I was on about here.

Thursday Threesome

Onesome: Motorola–, Sanyo, Samsung? Which brand of cell phone are you most pleased with? I’m a Nokia fan, though I did go out and buy the most low tech Nokia I could find. No camera, no blue tooth, none of that stuff, just needed to be able to call people and sms them.

Twosome: Phone– time, and more time, and more time… Okay, are you one of those who simply lives on their phone? …or do you consider phones a necessary evil? Well, back when calls were free I loved making hour long phone calls. Now that I have to pay for them myself, not so much.

Threesome: Tools– of the trade? Do you use your phones more for work use or for personal use? My phone is there purely for personal use.

Thursday Threesome

Onesome: Time is– your friend? …or your enemy? It’s your call, but how do you feel about “time”? Are you in need of a spare cupful? …or are you set? Right now it seems like my enemy, not going by fast enough.

Twosome: on my– way out the door, the last thing I check is to see……. Go ahead, fill in the blank! is do I have all the stuff I need to take with me (it’s tough being a girl) and that my cat hasn’t gotten out the gate.

Threesome: “Side–out Sports”… I just love that name. Have you seen any fun signs or slogans lately you can share with the gang? Well on the drive back from my folks place there is a road sign warning motorists of buck that cross the road. About a kilometre after that there is a sign for a taxidermist - I think it funny.